THE FINGER I HOLD ON TO
Mom, what are you for me? what is your place in my life? what is your importance?-I never gave a thought to these questions. Your presence is so natural, so involved in me! Perhaps it is taken very much for granted. Should I feel guilty for doing so? or is it good because it is so?
I haven't felt it necessary to ponder about all this and perhaps that's the reason why I don't value it much...Oh, we don't value much what we get without any effort, but at least once I should pause to think about all this.
I remember, once I had sent you a SMS jokularly-"U+ME=?"
to which you responded seriously,"Everything!"
I was so disappointed! I wanted an answer in equal jokular vein! I was then so childish!
But after some time I realized that you actually meant what you had said. Yes, for you our family is everything,always,even now.
However,my world has kept on changing and growing and perhaps you didn't remain 'everything' for me. On every turn in life, my 'everything' has kept on changing and you have remained on the periphery of that 'everything'.
still,when there's no one around to chat with,your phone number gets automatically dialled...'I'm bored','not feeling well', 'I'm hungry', 'feel like eating something yummy'...to tell such triffles only your number is dialled. Yes,you and you only are remembered to talk about such triffles as a matter of right. But,when the time comes to tell about a very important thing, are you the first whom it is told? Perhaps,no. Why so? Why don't you come to mind first at such time? Is this my ingratitude?
I am not ungrateful to you but I can't remain grateful to you either. I don't remember your benefaction every time. But are they benefactions? Should I treat everything that you have done for me as 'benefactions'? No! you are my mother, aren't you?
But when I think on these lines, I remember what all I have done for you- I have always taken you for granted,taken you most lightly and instead of saying sweet things to you, I have often quarrelled with you on triffles. Instead of listening to you,I have often questioned you. Oh those retorts which I gave you!-All those bitter words I uttered in a fit of rage...even to the extent of saying,"Why did you give birth to me? I had never asked it!"...
Oh,as I remember all this now, I am astonished to see that I am capable of saying such nasty things!..But yes, I say such things some times and can't deny that.
Silly me! I had once asked for 'Divorce' from both of you-you and dad! I was then going through a most difficult phase in my life when 'all the uses of this world seemed to me weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable'. I then vented all my anguish and frustration only upon you. Then even your simple words irritated me no end. Actually I then wanted to cling to you and ease my aching heart by weeping on your bossom, I wanted to get consoled by you. But my ego wouldn't allow me to do so. Instead I wanted to run away from everything including you. I wanted to be free, to be on my own.
You said nothing. you didn't allow Dad also to say anything. You simply allowed me to have my own way. so, I went away from you to a distant country, only to long to return to you!
The pretext of your sickness was enough for me to return to you. Because in those months of loneliness I came to realize that there's no one else other than you to whom to turn to when the throat gets chocked with anguish and tears well up in eyes.....There's no one else who will listen most patiently to all my outburst and nonsense and then reason with me most calmly.....
Oh,mom,what are you exactly?-A friend, philosopher, guide, teacher, nurse, cook, punching bag or an idol?-Perhaps you are all this and still beyond all this! You are someone who can not be defined correctly, no definition will be apt for you.
Having done all this brain-storming I have found out an answer. Do you know what you are? You are the finger I hold on to! The finger which I have always held to keep my balance whenever I tottered or faltered, the finger which has always saved me from falling, even when I was going to fall in that bottomless pit of depression.
However,I have promptly left hold of that finger whenever I felt no need for it!Even then, my palm always carries your reassuring touch, my palm always carries that wonderful scent of you! Mom, have you too preserved all this?-Like that mark you still have on your finger of my first bite when new teeth were coming to me?-that mark of my senseless and selfish bite!
Oh,mom, what can I say on this mother's day other than to be grateful to you for showing me this day?
-PORTIA
Mom, what are you for me? what is your place in my life? what is your importance?-I never gave a thought to these questions. Your presence is so natural, so involved in me! Perhaps it is taken very much for granted. Should I feel guilty for doing so? or is it good because it is so?
I haven't felt it necessary to ponder about all this and perhaps that's the reason why I don't value it much...Oh, we don't value much what we get without any effort, but at least once I should pause to think about all this.
I remember, once I had sent you a SMS jokularly-"U+ME=?"
to which you responded seriously,"Everything!"
I was so disappointed! I wanted an answer in equal jokular vein! I was then so childish!
But after some time I realized that you actually meant what you had said. Yes, for you our family is everything,always,even now.
However,my world has kept on changing and growing and perhaps you didn't remain 'everything' for me. On every turn in life, my 'everything' has kept on changing and you have remained on the periphery of that 'everything'.
still,when there's no one around to chat with,your phone number gets automatically dialled...'I'm bored','not feeling well', 'I'm hungry', 'feel like eating something yummy'...to tell such triffles only your number is dialled. Yes,you and you only are remembered to talk about such triffles as a matter of right. But,when the time comes to tell about a very important thing, are you the first whom it is told? Perhaps,no. Why so? Why don't you come to mind first at such time? Is this my ingratitude?
I am not ungrateful to you but I can't remain grateful to you either. I don't remember your benefaction every time. But are they benefactions? Should I treat everything that you have done for me as 'benefactions'? No! you are my mother, aren't you?
But when I think on these lines, I remember what all I have done for you- I have always taken you for granted,taken you most lightly and instead of saying sweet things to you, I have often quarrelled with you on triffles. Instead of listening to you,I have often questioned you. Oh those retorts which I gave you!-All those bitter words I uttered in a fit of rage...even to the extent of saying,"Why did you give birth to me? I had never asked it!"...
Oh,as I remember all this now, I am astonished to see that I am capable of saying such nasty things!..But yes, I say such things some times and can't deny that.
Silly me! I had once asked for 'Divorce' from both of you-you and dad! I was then going through a most difficult phase in my life when 'all the uses of this world seemed to me weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable'. I then vented all my anguish and frustration only upon you. Then even your simple words irritated me no end. Actually I then wanted to cling to you and ease my aching heart by weeping on your bossom, I wanted to get consoled by you. But my ego wouldn't allow me to do so. Instead I wanted to run away from everything including you. I wanted to be free, to be on my own.
You said nothing. you didn't allow Dad also to say anything. You simply allowed me to have my own way. so, I went away from you to a distant country, only to long to return to you!
The pretext of your sickness was enough for me to return to you. Because in those months of loneliness I came to realize that there's no one else other than you to whom to turn to when the throat gets chocked with anguish and tears well up in eyes.....There's no one else who will listen most patiently to all my outburst and nonsense and then reason with me most calmly.....
Oh,mom,what are you exactly?-A friend, philosopher, guide, teacher, nurse, cook, punching bag or an idol?-Perhaps you are all this and still beyond all this! You are someone who can not be defined correctly, no definition will be apt for you.
Having done all this brain-storming I have found out an answer. Do you know what you are? You are the finger I hold on to! The finger which I have always held to keep my balance whenever I tottered or faltered, the finger which has always saved me from falling, even when I was going to fall in that bottomless pit of depression.
However,I have promptly left hold of that finger whenever I felt no need for it!Even then, my palm always carries your reassuring touch, my palm always carries that wonderful scent of you! Mom, have you too preserved all this?-Like that mark you still have on your finger of my first bite when new teeth were coming to me?-that mark of my senseless and selfish bite!
Oh,mom, what can I say on this mother's day other than to be grateful to you for showing me this day?
-PORTIA
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