21/05/2011
18/05/2011
LIVING WITH MYSELF
LIVING WITH MYSELF
I have a complex influence of my mom and dad upon me. Though both of them are scientists, mom is a staunch believer while dad is a materialist. this has instilled in me a contineous debate since childhood-agreed that life is all matter created out of hydrogen or carbon,but who created that matter, how did the life evolve and what is its purpose?
According to my mother when scientific explainations get limited, the realm of the unknown begins.But given that too, I don't seek answers from that unknown source. I believe god created us with a certain purpose, gave us life and the power to think. And it is up to us to utilize this power and try to solve all the corporal dilemmas through the power of the mind.
For me, God has no role in our lives. He doesn't tell me whether this is right or whether that is wrong. he has left it to me to discern and decide; to learn and grow. Every single day around us, there is so much to learn, and we grow with all those experiences.
I have learnt the most important thing in life is to be true to myself and be grounded in the real world. I would say I came into my real being when I went away from my parents to stay alone in India and earn my own living. In the very first week there,I realized that though I am alone, I can not be irresponsible.I might not be responsible to my parents but I am answerable to myself.
This short stay of a few months in a foreign country, among unknown people and fending for myself at every single moment taught me that the world doesn't revolve around me! I learnt to take my own decisions since there was no one telling me what to do; I had to think for myself. This brought openness in my thinking while shaping my personality and my sensibilities. Staying alone made me more mature,it made me aware of the seriosness of life and the value of money seeing how hard one has to work to earn it.
Thanks to this lesson, I haven't fallen prey to the 'lifestyle addiction' or 'the good life syndrome' prevailing among my friends. I look around amusedly to see my friends addicted to certain things in order to be called'cool'- be it costantly fidgetting with the cellphone to check calls and messages, chatting hours on end online, serial dating, feeling compelled to party hard every Saturday night....and so on. There is no stopping the lifestyle addict, who just has to go from one to another to another...
I see how most of my friends don't really enjoy the'good life', they just crave for it. They get irritated when they don't get things quickly and have their way and then need something to overcome this frustration. However, they aren't entirely at fault, since, as we are getting used to getting everything fast, our tolerance level is going down and the frustration threshold is becoming very low.
I too had my share of a close relationship with this intolerance, frustration and anger. But then, unknown to myself I started analysing my thoughts as to which were useful, which made me calm and more relaxed. This has helped me a lot and though my friends often tease me of going in the 'Budhha shell', in the face of any triffle argument, I instantly step back into myself and become only the observer instead of the participent. oh, sometimes It is really better to live with yourself!
PORTIA.
*********
I have a complex influence of my mom and dad upon me. Though both of them are scientists, mom is a staunch believer while dad is a materialist. this has instilled in me a contineous debate since childhood-agreed that life is all matter created out of hydrogen or carbon,but who created that matter, how did the life evolve and what is its purpose?
According to my mother when scientific explainations get limited, the realm of the unknown begins.But given that too, I don't seek answers from that unknown source. I believe god created us with a certain purpose, gave us life and the power to think. And it is up to us to utilize this power and try to solve all the corporal dilemmas through the power of the mind.
For me, God has no role in our lives. He doesn't tell me whether this is right or whether that is wrong. he has left it to me to discern and decide; to learn and grow. Every single day around us, there is so much to learn, and we grow with all those experiences.
I have learnt the most important thing in life is to be true to myself and be grounded in the real world. I would say I came into my real being when I went away from my parents to stay alone in India and earn my own living. In the very first week there,I realized that though I am alone, I can not be irresponsible.I might not be responsible to my parents but I am answerable to myself.
This short stay of a few months in a foreign country, among unknown people and fending for myself at every single moment taught me that the world doesn't revolve around me! I learnt to take my own decisions since there was no one telling me what to do; I had to think for myself. This brought openness in my thinking while shaping my personality and my sensibilities. Staying alone made me more mature,it made me aware of the seriosness of life and the value of money seeing how hard one has to work to earn it.
Thanks to this lesson, I haven't fallen prey to the 'lifestyle addiction' or 'the good life syndrome' prevailing among my friends. I look around amusedly to see my friends addicted to certain things in order to be called'cool'- be it costantly fidgetting with the cellphone to check calls and messages, chatting hours on end online, serial dating, feeling compelled to party hard every Saturday night....and so on. There is no stopping the lifestyle addict, who just has to go from one to another to another...
I see how most of my friends don't really enjoy the'good life', they just crave for it. They get irritated when they don't get things quickly and have their way and then need something to overcome this frustration. However, they aren't entirely at fault, since, as we are getting used to getting everything fast, our tolerance level is going down and the frustration threshold is becoming very low.
I too had my share of a close relationship with this intolerance, frustration and anger. But then, unknown to myself I started analysing my thoughts as to which were useful, which made me calm and more relaxed. This has helped me a lot and though my friends often tease me of going in the 'Budhha shell', in the face of any triffle argument, I instantly step back into myself and become only the observer instead of the participent. oh, sometimes It is really better to live with yourself!
PORTIA.
*********
16/05/2011
Oh, This perfumed garden called ' the World'!
OH THIS PERFUMED GARDEN CALLED 'THE WORLD'
Senses have an unique place in building up our personality alongwith emotions and feelings.Our power of various senses actually rules over us. Sometime or other we do step down to the level of primitivity when with extreme intensity we give in to a particular sensation.At that moment we become primitive while remaining in the social bracket in a limited way.
Deeply experienced sensations accompony us throughout our life.They carry those special moments with them. When we experience identical sensations anytime afterwards, they instantly bring back to life those particular moments of the past. The barrier between the past and the present breaks down immediately and lo,we are there in the past! We are surrounded by everything attached with that past moment-the place,the enviroment,the faces! For that moment we become more younger and more accomodative. Then we view those instances which were bitter for us or the people who had been cruel or unfriendly to us in a positive way.
In this the sense of smell reigns supreme! Scent has the extraordinary power that flicks you back, in a split second, through years of confused recollection, to a pin point in the childhood that is clearer than the moment in which you stand remembering!
There are so many scents filled up all around us- exciting,stimulating,even depressing too!...
what we experience by seeing, hearing and touching gives birth to the arts like painting,sculpture and music. But any scent,howsoever intensely felt, can not be expressed through a painting,a sculpture or a musical composition.
Scents are the bridges that join us with ourselves and with the world. The traffic that takes place on these bridges is simply unimaginable!
The more the intensity of a scent, the more the possiblity of its getting disolved in other sensations. A simple spray of room-freshner in the evening makes magic for me. Its scent slowly brings a pleasant dullness over me. My eyelids start to droop and a langurous violet colour alights over my halfclosed eyes. I feel a faint strain of a violin is coming to me from some unknown far off place and that music soon starts pulsating in my heart.
Same thing happens with a bunch of roses.Red roses are my favorites. Somtimes I just sprinkle some water over them and then sit nearby.The roses can't see,so I too close my eyes. Then our silent communication begins. The roses as if read my presence and I too wait for their response with a baited breath.I haven't to wait for long. The roses silently send their faint fragrance to me and after inhaling it I exhale a deep breath as a way of thanks.
The sense of smell is most near to the sense of taste.The smell of a particular dish immeditely brings its taste also to the mind and if we concentrate upon these sensations collectively, the pleasure of relishing that dish can also be had!
Alongwith many memories our mind stores memories of many a pleasant scents.When you are in a gloomy mood, just try to remember just one such scent, it will instantly refresh you! Generally everyone of us refuses to be overwhelmed by adversity and searches for some impetus to tide over it.Scents can prove very helpful at such times. The scent of hair or arms or cheeks of our loved one, the scent of a new-born baby's palate, the scent of dew-drenched grass on a summer morning- so many scents like these reestablish our faith in life.
Yes, I have stored in my memory the scent of my new-born cousin's palate and even though she is now twelve,that scent is still fresh in my mind. Similarly the scent of my mom's freshly washed hair acts like a tonic for me, not only this,I even cherish the musky scent of my friend Cathy's sweaty armpit!
Once while shopping I came across many a Persian perfumes. though they were distilled from various flowers they had become so pungent due to the added preservatives that a mere whiff felt like a scorching sun in the desert of Sahara!
I never use cosmetics or body-sprays.My mind turns away even from some reputed perfumes with the realisation that they are mere chemicals.
So I invariably turn to flowers. Most of my deepest affections among flowers go back to childhood. In reality, I feel, they are confirmations of the affections some fifteen years ago.
Yes, they are all there! the pink primroses and the white Madonna lilies of our very own first garden, the tea roses of my aunt's,the hyacinths of my teacher's drawing room in winter; the pure yellow violas;the petunias of country windows; and ofcourse the perpetual roses.
In this scientific age it is strange that we seem to have no explaination of the way the scent of flowers,itself an abstract and ephemeral thing, can imprint itself on our mind in so forceful and permanent way that a breath of corrosponding scent, many years afterwards, can make instantaneous contact with the first association!
We know about the connection between the sight and memory. Something visual and material is photographed and imprinted on the mind. But, how can something invisible, untouchable and intangible like the fragrance of flowers persists through years with visual and particular association?Is there any other device than the brain that will record fragrances through visual pictures that can be re-transmitted after many years? Oh, the very thought of such discovery mortally frightens me!....
-PORTIA
**********
Senses have an unique place in building up our personality alongwith emotions and feelings.Our power of various senses actually rules over us. Sometime or other we do step down to the level of primitivity when with extreme intensity we give in to a particular sensation.At that moment we become primitive while remaining in the social bracket in a limited way.
Deeply experienced sensations accompony us throughout our life.They carry those special moments with them. When we experience identical sensations anytime afterwards, they instantly bring back to life those particular moments of the past. The barrier between the past and the present breaks down immediately and lo,we are there in the past! We are surrounded by everything attached with that past moment-the place,the enviroment,the faces! For that moment we become more younger and more accomodative. Then we view those instances which were bitter for us or the people who had been cruel or unfriendly to us in a positive way.
In this the sense of smell reigns supreme! Scent has the extraordinary power that flicks you back, in a split second, through years of confused recollection, to a pin point in the childhood that is clearer than the moment in which you stand remembering!
There are so many scents filled up all around us- exciting,stimulating,even depressing too!...
what we experience by seeing, hearing and touching gives birth to the arts like painting,sculpture and music. But any scent,howsoever intensely felt, can not be expressed through a painting,a sculpture or a musical composition.
Scents are the bridges that join us with ourselves and with the world. The traffic that takes place on these bridges is simply unimaginable!
The more the intensity of a scent, the more the possiblity of its getting disolved in other sensations. A simple spray of room-freshner in the evening makes magic for me. Its scent slowly brings a pleasant dullness over me. My eyelids start to droop and a langurous violet colour alights over my halfclosed eyes. I feel a faint strain of a violin is coming to me from some unknown far off place and that music soon starts pulsating in my heart.
Same thing happens with a bunch of roses.Red roses are my favorites. Somtimes I just sprinkle some water over them and then sit nearby.The roses can't see,so I too close my eyes. Then our silent communication begins. The roses as if read my presence and I too wait for their response with a baited breath.I haven't to wait for long. The roses silently send their faint fragrance to me and after inhaling it I exhale a deep breath as a way of thanks.
The sense of smell is most near to the sense of taste.The smell of a particular dish immeditely brings its taste also to the mind and if we concentrate upon these sensations collectively, the pleasure of relishing that dish can also be had!
Alongwith many memories our mind stores memories of many a pleasant scents.When you are in a gloomy mood, just try to remember just one such scent, it will instantly refresh you! Generally everyone of us refuses to be overwhelmed by adversity and searches for some impetus to tide over it.Scents can prove very helpful at such times. The scent of hair or arms or cheeks of our loved one, the scent of a new-born baby's palate, the scent of dew-drenched grass on a summer morning- so many scents like these reestablish our faith in life.
Yes, I have stored in my memory the scent of my new-born cousin's palate and even though she is now twelve,that scent is still fresh in my mind. Similarly the scent of my mom's freshly washed hair acts like a tonic for me, not only this,I even cherish the musky scent of my friend Cathy's sweaty armpit!
Once while shopping I came across many a Persian perfumes. though they were distilled from various flowers they had become so pungent due to the added preservatives that a mere whiff felt like a scorching sun in the desert of Sahara!
I never use cosmetics or body-sprays.My mind turns away even from some reputed perfumes with the realisation that they are mere chemicals.
So I invariably turn to flowers. Most of my deepest affections among flowers go back to childhood. In reality, I feel, they are confirmations of the affections some fifteen years ago.
Yes, they are all there! the pink primroses and the white Madonna lilies of our very own first garden, the tea roses of my aunt's,the hyacinths of my teacher's drawing room in winter; the pure yellow violas;the petunias of country windows; and ofcourse the perpetual roses.
In this scientific age it is strange that we seem to have no explaination of the way the scent of flowers,itself an abstract and ephemeral thing, can imprint itself on our mind in so forceful and permanent way that a breath of corrosponding scent, many years afterwards, can make instantaneous contact with the first association!
We know about the connection between the sight and memory. Something visual and material is photographed and imprinted on the mind. But, how can something invisible, untouchable and intangible like the fragrance of flowers persists through years with visual and particular association?Is there any other device than the brain that will record fragrances through visual pictures that can be re-transmitted after many years? Oh, the very thought of such discovery mortally frightens me!....
-PORTIA
**********
08/05/2011
THE FINGER I HOLD ON TO
THE FINGER I HOLD ON TO
Mom, what are you for me? what is your place in my life? what is your importance?-I never gave a thought to these questions. Your presence is so natural, so involved in me! Perhaps it is taken very much for granted. Should I feel guilty for doing so? or is it good because it is so?
I haven't felt it necessary to ponder about all this and perhaps that's the reason why I don't value it much...Oh, we don't value much what we get without any effort, but at least once I should pause to think about all this.
I remember, once I had sent you a SMS jokularly-"U+ME=?"
to which you responded seriously,"Everything!"
I was so disappointed! I wanted an answer in equal jokular vein! I was then so childish!
But after some time I realized that you actually meant what you had said. Yes, for you our family is everything,always,even now.
However,my world has kept on changing and growing and perhaps you didn't remain 'everything' for me. On every turn in life, my 'everything' has kept on changing and you have remained on the periphery of that 'everything'.
still,when there's no one around to chat with,your phone number gets automatically dialled...'I'm bored','not feeling well', 'I'm hungry', 'feel like eating something yummy'...to tell such triffles only your number is dialled. Yes,you and you only are remembered to talk about such triffles as a matter of right. But,when the time comes to tell about a very important thing, are you the first whom it is told? Perhaps,no. Why so? Why don't you come to mind first at such time? Is this my ingratitude?
I am not ungrateful to you but I can't remain grateful to you either. I don't remember your benefaction every time. But are they benefactions? Should I treat everything that you have done for me as 'benefactions'? No! you are my mother, aren't you?
But when I think on these lines, I remember what all I have done for you- I have always taken you for granted,taken you most lightly and instead of saying sweet things to you, I have often quarrelled with you on triffles. Instead of listening to you,I have often questioned you. Oh those retorts which I gave you!-All those bitter words I uttered in a fit of rage...even to the extent of saying,"Why did you give birth to me? I had never asked it!"...
Oh,as I remember all this now, I am astonished to see that I am capable of saying such nasty things!..But yes, I say such things some times and can't deny that.
Silly me! I had once asked for 'Divorce' from both of you-you and dad! I was then going through a most difficult phase in my life when 'all the uses of this world seemed to me weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable'. I then vented all my anguish and frustration only upon you. Then even your simple words irritated me no end. Actually I then wanted to cling to you and ease my aching heart by weeping on your bossom, I wanted to get consoled by you. But my ego wouldn't allow me to do so. Instead I wanted to run away from everything including you. I wanted to be free, to be on my own.
You said nothing. you didn't allow Dad also to say anything. You simply allowed me to have my own way. so, I went away from you to a distant country, only to long to return to you!
The pretext of your sickness was enough for me to return to you. Because in those months of loneliness I came to realize that there's no one else other than you to whom to turn to when the throat gets chocked with anguish and tears well up in eyes.....There's no one else who will listen most patiently to all my outburst and nonsense and then reason with me most calmly.....
Oh,mom,what are you exactly?-A friend, philosopher, guide, teacher, nurse, cook, punching bag or an idol?-Perhaps you are all this and still beyond all this! You are someone who can not be defined correctly, no definition will be apt for you.
Having done all this brain-storming I have found out an answer. Do you know what you are? You are the finger I hold on to! The finger which I have always held to keep my balance whenever I tottered or faltered, the finger which has always saved me from falling, even when I was going to fall in that bottomless pit of depression.
However,I have promptly left hold of that finger whenever I felt no need for it!Even then, my palm always carries your reassuring touch, my palm always carries that wonderful scent of you! Mom, have you too preserved all this?-Like that mark you still have on your finger of my first bite when new teeth were coming to me?-that mark of my senseless and selfish bite!
Oh,mom, what can I say on this mother's day other than to be grateful to you for showing me this day?
-PORTIA
Mom, what are you for me? what is your place in my life? what is your importance?-I never gave a thought to these questions. Your presence is so natural, so involved in me! Perhaps it is taken very much for granted. Should I feel guilty for doing so? or is it good because it is so?
I haven't felt it necessary to ponder about all this and perhaps that's the reason why I don't value it much...Oh, we don't value much what we get without any effort, but at least once I should pause to think about all this.
I remember, once I had sent you a SMS jokularly-"U+ME=?"
to which you responded seriously,"Everything!"
I was so disappointed! I wanted an answer in equal jokular vein! I was then so childish!
But after some time I realized that you actually meant what you had said. Yes, for you our family is everything,always,even now.
However,my world has kept on changing and growing and perhaps you didn't remain 'everything' for me. On every turn in life, my 'everything' has kept on changing and you have remained on the periphery of that 'everything'.
still,when there's no one around to chat with,your phone number gets automatically dialled...'I'm bored','not feeling well', 'I'm hungry', 'feel like eating something yummy'...to tell such triffles only your number is dialled. Yes,you and you only are remembered to talk about such triffles as a matter of right. But,when the time comes to tell about a very important thing, are you the first whom it is told? Perhaps,no. Why so? Why don't you come to mind first at such time? Is this my ingratitude?
I am not ungrateful to you but I can't remain grateful to you either. I don't remember your benefaction every time. But are they benefactions? Should I treat everything that you have done for me as 'benefactions'? No! you are my mother, aren't you?
But when I think on these lines, I remember what all I have done for you- I have always taken you for granted,taken you most lightly and instead of saying sweet things to you, I have often quarrelled with you on triffles. Instead of listening to you,I have often questioned you. Oh those retorts which I gave you!-All those bitter words I uttered in a fit of rage...even to the extent of saying,"Why did you give birth to me? I had never asked it!"...
Oh,as I remember all this now, I am astonished to see that I am capable of saying such nasty things!..But yes, I say such things some times and can't deny that.
Silly me! I had once asked for 'Divorce' from both of you-you and dad! I was then going through a most difficult phase in my life when 'all the uses of this world seemed to me weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable'. I then vented all my anguish and frustration only upon you. Then even your simple words irritated me no end. Actually I then wanted to cling to you and ease my aching heart by weeping on your bossom, I wanted to get consoled by you. But my ego wouldn't allow me to do so. Instead I wanted to run away from everything including you. I wanted to be free, to be on my own.
You said nothing. you didn't allow Dad also to say anything. You simply allowed me to have my own way. so, I went away from you to a distant country, only to long to return to you!
The pretext of your sickness was enough for me to return to you. Because in those months of loneliness I came to realize that there's no one else other than you to whom to turn to when the throat gets chocked with anguish and tears well up in eyes.....There's no one else who will listen most patiently to all my outburst and nonsense and then reason with me most calmly.....
Oh,mom,what are you exactly?-A friend, philosopher, guide, teacher, nurse, cook, punching bag or an idol?-Perhaps you are all this and still beyond all this! You are someone who can not be defined correctly, no definition will be apt for you.
Having done all this brain-storming I have found out an answer. Do you know what you are? You are the finger I hold on to! The finger which I have always held to keep my balance whenever I tottered or faltered, the finger which has always saved me from falling, even when I was going to fall in that bottomless pit of depression.
However,I have promptly left hold of that finger whenever I felt no need for it!Even then, my palm always carries your reassuring touch, my palm always carries that wonderful scent of you! Mom, have you too preserved all this?-Like that mark you still have on your finger of my first bite when new teeth were coming to me?-that mark of my senseless and selfish bite!
Oh,mom, what can I say on this mother's day other than to be grateful to you for showing me this day?
-PORTIA
29/04/2011
MY OWN SPACE
MY OWN SPACE
Everybody wants to have a space of his own,to fly in it whenever wanted,to go away from this mad,mad world, to break away from all the shackles and be free! A space which is only yours and which gives you the real comfortable feeling,where you can have a dialogue with yourself. There you won't have to wear a mask which you usually put on while facing the world full of pretences and filmsy formalities. There you can be real you and be honest with yourself.
But,alas!That space doesn't easily come in your arms how much you may spread them wide! Then your heart sulks in itself and tries to find even a tiny square of sky through a window.
This urge to have some space of your own is but natural and starts expressing itself from the very childhood.People around you help in reinforcing it by teaching you that this is yours and this is of somebody else's. Then even in the school you start treating a particular desk as yours and get upset when you find somebody else is occupying 'your' seat. At that time you may not be knowing the meaning of 'space' but you have the 'intelligence' to recognize what is yours and what is other's. This gradually leads to have your own corner,your own shelf,your own drawer in a cabinet and even your own seat at the dining table in your home! all these things give you a sense of belonging and a kind of reassuarance.
I remember when my mom purchased an artistic cabinet for her cosmetics etc, pointing out to a drawer she said to me,"Posh, this drawer is yours.You may keep anything you want in it."
I was so glad and thrilled! I eagerly opened it. Till this day I remember the strange whiff of smell of wood and french polish which came to me from that drawer!Oh,that small drawer looked so spacious to me at that time! It was as if some piece of wonderland and I was Alice who was entering it! Oh,how carefully I spread a sheet of smooth butterpaper at the base of that drawer! Then slowly many things started finding their place in that drawer-pens,clips,safety pins, hair bands,ribbons,rolls,small toys, a set of playing cards,colourful pebbles,shells, feathers,even an eye of my teddy bear which was plucked off by my brother during a quarrel!.....
Over the years the things in that drawer kept changing according to my age. But it used to be an ordeal whenever time came to replace old things with new. I couldn't dare to throw away the old articles at one go and invariably kept them aside for one or two days before finally puting them in the dustbin with a heavy heart. But some articles doggedly kept put in their place for a long time, for example,some diaries whose pages after 3rd or 4th January were blank, some cuttings from newspapers and magazines of favorite actors, actresses,sportspersons, some greeting cards, friendship bands etc. All this was a treasure trove for me but utter trash for others.
It used to amuse me that not only me bur everybody in the family had his/her own place somewhere in the house. My mom had her kitchen platform, my dad had his rocking chair near a window of his room and even my brother who used to tease me for 'hoarding'all the filthy trash, had his own special corner in his room where he would dump all his sports gear and won't allow the maid to dust that corner!
As I grew old,I started imitating my dad. I was puzzled about his seating the whole evening in his famous rocking chair,rocking it gently and just looking at the sky through the window. Then he looked so relaxed and at peace with himself!His face would soften and he almost looked picturesque!
I remember, when I first aked him about this, he lifted me on to his lap and pointing out to the sky, said,"Look, there is my square of the sky! just sitting here, I can go over there to enjoy a free flight! You too can have your own square of the sky if you want! Everybody can!"
This made me to seat on that chair when he would be away at work. Slowly I started liking that chair, its rhythmatical rocking and then I started relating to the piece of sky that was visible through the window. Gradually its blueness as if started seeping through me. It brought a strange sort of reassuarance, peace and satisfaction alongwith it. I had then a very strange feeling of germinating in myself, becoming me in real sense!
But at the same time I had a guilty feeling of encroaching upon my dad's territory and had to find my own space to capture my handful of sky. I soon got it in my own room. Though the window of my room was partially covered by a hugely grown wisteria, it still allowed me to have a glimpse of my little square of sky. Soon the wisteria also became friendly with me! Its violet flowers smiled at me and its dancing leaves often drew a wonderful design by their shadow on my bed which was adjuscent to the window. Sometimes, even a bold thrush would come to greet me! It sat on the perch, rubbed its beak on the window-pane and after singing a note or two , would say,'good bye'!
But, oh the curse of growing up! I had to leave my home and alongwith it everything precious to me when I went to a different place for a job. In that strange place it became extremely difficult for me to relate to anything. I felt so lost, as if I had lost my own identity!
My mom could somehow read my anguish from my mails. So one day she sent me a message:"Posh, I know you are anguished over there because of not finding your own space. But,baby,just think, can a particular corner really be your space? your own space is never in such things. It is always in your mind. You have an infinite space in your mind. When you look at the sky through a window,you are actually entering the sky of your mind unknown to you at that very time. The tranquility and the bliss which you feel coming from the sky, is actually already there in your mind! The outer sky acts only as a catalyst. Oh,your mind is so vast and all encompassing!Please don't shrink it to a tiny square of a windowpane or a drawer of a cabinet or a corner of a room. Become the sky yourself! Instead of finding refuge in a small corner, widen your horizon, become like a huge tree onto which many birds seek shelter with great reassuarance. always remember the real meaning of space is unlimited region!"
-PORTIA
**************
Everybody wants to have a space of his own,to fly in it whenever wanted,to go away from this mad,mad world, to break away from all the shackles and be free! A space which is only yours and which gives you the real comfortable feeling,where you can have a dialogue with yourself. There you won't have to wear a mask which you usually put on while facing the world full of pretences and filmsy formalities. There you can be real you and be honest with yourself.
But,alas!That space doesn't easily come in your arms how much you may spread them wide! Then your heart sulks in itself and tries to find even a tiny square of sky through a window.
This urge to have some space of your own is but natural and starts expressing itself from the very childhood.People around you help in reinforcing it by teaching you that this is yours and this is of somebody else's. Then even in the school you start treating a particular desk as yours and get upset when you find somebody else is occupying 'your' seat. At that time you may not be knowing the meaning of 'space' but you have the 'intelligence' to recognize what is yours and what is other's. This gradually leads to have your own corner,your own shelf,your own drawer in a cabinet and even your own seat at the dining table in your home! all these things give you a sense of belonging and a kind of reassuarance.
I remember when my mom purchased an artistic cabinet for her cosmetics etc, pointing out to a drawer she said to me,"Posh, this drawer is yours.You may keep anything you want in it."
I was so glad and thrilled! I eagerly opened it. Till this day I remember the strange whiff of smell of wood and french polish which came to me from that drawer!Oh,that small drawer looked so spacious to me at that time! It was as if some piece of wonderland and I was Alice who was entering it! Oh,how carefully I spread a sheet of smooth butterpaper at the base of that drawer! Then slowly many things started finding their place in that drawer-pens,clips,safety pins, hair bands,ribbons,rolls,small toys, a set of playing cards,colourful pebbles,shells, feathers,even an eye of my teddy bear which was plucked off by my brother during a quarrel!.....
Over the years the things in that drawer kept changing according to my age. But it used to be an ordeal whenever time came to replace old things with new. I couldn't dare to throw away the old articles at one go and invariably kept them aside for one or two days before finally puting them in the dustbin with a heavy heart. But some articles doggedly kept put in their place for a long time, for example,some diaries whose pages after 3rd or 4th January were blank, some cuttings from newspapers and magazines of favorite actors, actresses,sportspersons, some greeting cards, friendship bands etc. All this was a treasure trove for me but utter trash for others.
It used to amuse me that not only me bur everybody in the family had his/her own place somewhere in the house. My mom had her kitchen platform, my dad had his rocking chair near a window of his room and even my brother who used to tease me for 'hoarding'all the filthy trash, had his own special corner in his room where he would dump all his sports gear and won't allow the maid to dust that corner!
As I grew old,I started imitating my dad. I was puzzled about his seating the whole evening in his famous rocking chair,rocking it gently and just looking at the sky through the window. Then he looked so relaxed and at peace with himself!His face would soften and he almost looked picturesque!
I remember, when I first aked him about this, he lifted me on to his lap and pointing out to the sky, said,"Look, there is my square of the sky! just sitting here, I can go over there to enjoy a free flight! You too can have your own square of the sky if you want! Everybody can!"
This made me to seat on that chair when he would be away at work. Slowly I started liking that chair, its rhythmatical rocking and then I started relating to the piece of sky that was visible through the window. Gradually its blueness as if started seeping through me. It brought a strange sort of reassuarance, peace and satisfaction alongwith it. I had then a very strange feeling of germinating in myself, becoming me in real sense!
But at the same time I had a guilty feeling of encroaching upon my dad's territory and had to find my own space to capture my handful of sky. I soon got it in my own room. Though the window of my room was partially covered by a hugely grown wisteria, it still allowed me to have a glimpse of my little square of sky. Soon the wisteria also became friendly with me! Its violet flowers smiled at me and its dancing leaves often drew a wonderful design by their shadow on my bed which was adjuscent to the window. Sometimes, even a bold thrush would come to greet me! It sat on the perch, rubbed its beak on the window-pane and after singing a note or two , would say,'good bye'!
But, oh the curse of growing up! I had to leave my home and alongwith it everything precious to me when I went to a different place for a job. In that strange place it became extremely difficult for me to relate to anything. I felt so lost, as if I had lost my own identity!
My mom could somehow read my anguish from my mails. So one day she sent me a message:"Posh, I know you are anguished over there because of not finding your own space. But,baby,just think, can a particular corner really be your space? your own space is never in such things. It is always in your mind. You have an infinite space in your mind. When you look at the sky through a window,you are actually entering the sky of your mind unknown to you at that very time. The tranquility and the bliss which you feel coming from the sky, is actually already there in your mind! The outer sky acts only as a catalyst. Oh,your mind is so vast and all encompassing!Please don't shrink it to a tiny square of a windowpane or a drawer of a cabinet or a corner of a room. Become the sky yourself! Instead of finding refuge in a small corner, widen your horizon, become like a huge tree onto which many birds seek shelter with great reassuarance. always remember the real meaning of space is unlimited region!"
-PORTIA
**************
24/04/2011
In A Poetic Mood.....
IN A POETIC MOOD........
The follwing couplets came to me today in a poetic mood and I just jotted them down without applying any craft:
1.
In love,there is no difference between life and death
We die for that cruel one who's our life's breath.
********
2.
Why is she cross with me, I just don't know,
But for me her simple smile is like a rainbow.
*********
3.
The life we pride on is but an illusion,
Do we know as to what the next moment will happen?
********
4.
What shall we say,O Friend,if asked by someone-
"Having come to this world,what worthwhile have you done?"
********
5.
The head that wears the crown as proudly today,
Will be rotting tomorrow deep in the dirty clay.
********
6.
You are always by my side
When there is no one else beside.
********
7.
Being seperated from her, my lustre is lost,
I feel like a wilted flower, ruined by a cruel frost.
********
8.
A great river comes from a trickling stream,
One flower can launch a beautiful dream.
********
9.
Loving you comes so easily,
As seeing the beauty in a delicate lily.
********
10.
There is no substitute
For that four letter word:Love.
********
......PORTIA.
The follwing couplets came to me today in a poetic mood and I just jotted them down without applying any craft:
1.
In love,there is no difference between life and death
We die for that cruel one who's our life's breath.
********
2.
Why is she cross with me, I just don't know,
But for me her simple smile is like a rainbow.
*********
3.
The life we pride on is but an illusion,
Do we know as to what the next moment will happen?
********
4.
What shall we say,O Friend,if asked by someone-
"Having come to this world,what worthwhile have you done?"
********
5.
The head that wears the crown as proudly today,
Will be rotting tomorrow deep in the dirty clay.
********
6.
You are always by my side
When there is no one else beside.
********
7.
Being seperated from her, my lustre is lost,
I feel like a wilted flower, ruined by a cruel frost.
********
8.
A great river comes from a trickling stream,
One flower can launch a beautiful dream.
********
9.
Loving you comes so easily,
As seeing the beauty in a delicate lily.
********
10.
There is no substitute
For that four letter word:Love.
********
......PORTIA.
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