THE STRUGGLE WITHIN
Nobody is perfect, at least I am not. I have my own deficiencies, drawbacks, faults and past mistakes. But I try to hide all these negative things deep within myself. I try to bury them in the hope that they would die. But they don't and come back to haunt me again and again. My past keeps intruding in my present. Then there are those hurts. Some trifling things. which were fun when they happened, were distorted and villainishly used against me,causing me great harm and then I was made to feel guilty about them. I tried to shrug off and then bury that feeling of unjust guilt in the deepest corner of my heart, yet it eats me continuously.
My 'guide' told me to hang out my guilt complexes, my frustrations, my anger, my unrequited love, the hurts I have suffered at the hands of others and then , according to him,I will feel better.
But it is so difficult and almost impossible to do so, especially for a girl like me who has been conditioned from childhood to follow a particular way of social behaviour, even to the extent of at what angle you should put your fork and knife after having your dinner and how a 'social drink' should be sipped! I've been trained to maintain my 'British' stiff upper lip and maintain a dignified silence about my hurts and emotions.
It is not that I didn't try. I tried to break all these 'shackles' and get 'liberated' by aping my 'funky' college friends. I adopted their mannerism,their slang language, their way of dressing and even drank heavily and partied hard late in night with them. But all the time my 'inner' Portia gnawed at me, scolding me and reminding me of my 'pedigree'. This tussle between the external and inner Portia became so intense that 'both' Portias got almost devastated.
Then came the phase of withdrawal. withdrawal from everything, even to some extent from myself, becoming a turtle, growing a hard shell like it and cringing in that shell.
But that too didn't help much. So, in came a 'guide'. He held many 'guidance sessions', hammering into me,''Don't just feel 'okay', you have to feel absolutely 'Great' about yourself. You have to come to terms with your troubled past."
....,.I tried but couldn't succeed. Because something happens. Somebody reminds me of some past thing and that ghost raises his head again and starts haunting me.
..........,.I just wonder, instead of asking a person to come to terms with his past, why don't we ourselves forget or ignore his past and accept him as he is now? Aren't some things best left unsaid?
I have now realised why my mother isn't fond of 'keepsake' photos. She says that such photos keep us tied to the past and we usually remember hurtful things more than the pleasant things and allow our past to muddle our present. I also now realise that it is better to keep some things of past away from your loved ones and move ahead with the present.What is done is done.
....PORTIA
Nobody is perfect, at least I am not. I have my own deficiencies, drawbacks, faults and past mistakes. But I try to hide all these negative things deep within myself. I try to bury them in the hope that they would die. But they don't and come back to haunt me again and again. My past keeps intruding in my present. Then there are those hurts. Some trifling things. which were fun when they happened, were distorted and villainishly used against me,causing me great harm and then I was made to feel guilty about them. I tried to shrug off and then bury that feeling of unjust guilt in the deepest corner of my heart, yet it eats me continuously.
My 'guide' told me to hang out my guilt complexes, my frustrations, my anger, my unrequited love, the hurts I have suffered at the hands of others and then , according to him,I will feel better.
But it is so difficult and almost impossible to do so, especially for a girl like me who has been conditioned from childhood to follow a particular way of social behaviour, even to the extent of at what angle you should put your fork and knife after having your dinner and how a 'social drink' should be sipped! I've been trained to maintain my 'British' stiff upper lip and maintain a dignified silence about my hurts and emotions.
It is not that I didn't try. I tried to break all these 'shackles' and get 'liberated' by aping my 'funky' college friends. I adopted their mannerism,their slang language, their way of dressing and even drank heavily and partied hard late in night with them. But all the time my 'inner' Portia gnawed at me, scolding me and reminding me of my 'pedigree'. This tussle between the external and inner Portia became so intense that 'both' Portias got almost devastated.
Then came the phase of withdrawal. withdrawal from everything, even to some extent from myself, becoming a turtle, growing a hard shell like it and cringing in that shell.
But that too didn't help much. So, in came a 'guide'. He held many 'guidance sessions', hammering into me,''Don't just feel 'okay', you have to feel absolutely 'Great' about yourself. You have to come to terms with your troubled past."
....,.I tried but couldn't succeed. Because something happens. Somebody reminds me of some past thing and that ghost raises his head again and starts haunting me.
..........,.I just wonder, instead of asking a person to come to terms with his past, why don't we ourselves forget or ignore his past and accept him as he is now? Aren't some things best left unsaid?
I have now realised why my mother isn't fond of 'keepsake' photos. She says that such photos keep us tied to the past and we usually remember hurtful things more than the pleasant things and allow our past to muddle our present. I also now realise that it is better to keep some things of past away from your loved ones and move ahead with the present.What is done is done.
....PORTIA
There is much is what you say. The only reality that matters is the present.
ReplyDeleteIn your life, you meet people. Some you never think about again. Some, you wonder what happened to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do....Try and live for the moment..Eventually all the pieces will fall into place, until then... laugh at the confusion, live for the moment and know that everything happens for a reason.
ReplyDeleteSo true...memories tie us down. Whatever said and done, letting go is not all that easy.
ReplyDeleteYour struggles are beginning to awaken your inner senses encouraging you to step out of your comfort zone...You to discover and see your potential and to find your true you....
ReplyDeleteWell done Portia. You have emptied your thoughts here and shared it with all of us and that step itself is a huge one.
ReplyDeleteWhen one takes stock of the situations and tries to remedy them, the door to a new 'you' is not far. In the process of evolving one finds that many unnecessary things bog us down. In spite of falling down, we rise. Your process of rising has begun. So embrace it and be aware.
Blessings and joy,
Susan
Portia one needs to move ahead but there will be times when the past will come to haunt you. You should only remember the good things of the past and let go of the negative things. I hope you can do that. LOve
ReplyDeletePortia, Our past is always going to be a part of us. How we deal with it is up to us, we can ignore it or obsess over it but we can never erase it from our memory. I agree with Rimly about remembering the good times and moving ahead.
ReplyDeleteAgreed.I've tackled this subject - the fact that the dead can become more real, and more important, than the living, if you allow it. Not everyone agrees, but I'm a firm believer in trying to unload emotional baggage and just move on. Re-hashing the past doesn't change anything, it's done, especially mistakes. I just like to acknowledge it, learn from it, rectify it if I can, and then go on with life.
ReplyDeleteTry and love yourself for who you are, and all that makes you - YOU. :-))))
As a recovering alcoholic I can say there are many things in my past I would just as soon forget, remembering is part of what keeps me sober. I never want to be there again. That being said; I agree with Susan, releasing your thoughts is a huge step to healing. It also might help to remember that everyone has those"things" in our past. It is how we learn and become who we are meant to be. You are a beautiful person with a beautiful heart. I hope you can forgive yourself, if others don't that is their burden to carry. Hold your head high and stay true to you. <3<3<3 Love Jan
ReplyDeletehmmm...I think we have to expose our wound so that it'll not remain stagnant without healing. It comes through time~there's a right moment for everything.Even closure and acceptance. We just have to be very patient with ourselves.
ReplyDeleteWhile we say forget and move on...I think, it's best to look at our past fair and square.Deal with it sincerely. Joyce Rupp offers a ritual for praying our goodbyes...so when we leave our past, we live in joy and we become gifts to others.
I've thrown a lot of pics I had in the past because I was so hurt back then. Now, I realize what a fool I've been to destroy memories. The feelings I associated with those images were already gone...
Reread your past with the eyes of faith...
I liked your thought!
ReplyDeleteWhat is done is done, now it's time to move on..
Thinking and regretting about the past will give you nothing but the pain within..
My angel let the inner Portia come out..
Do not let your beauty within affected by others!
Be the way you are my dear and keep smiling!!
Love and hugs <3
I apologize to you Portia,sometimes it is quite beyond our control when we relive bad situations or happenings. I would never belittle your feelings as it must have appeared I did. Here I am pleading for understanding and not giving it. I know the haunting oh so well, it can be very destructive if not coped with correctly. Again I am sorry. <3<3<3
ReplyDelete